Allegra’s World: Life Without Ruby

Hi everyone, it’s Allegra! I want to thank you for all the love and support you’ve shown to Mom and me since Ruby passed away. It’s hard to believe she’s been gone for more than a month. Some days it seems like she was just here yesterday. I think Mom still sometimes hopes she’s going to wake up one day and find that these last four months were just a bad dream.

I miss my little sister. It’s been really strange without her. Mom and I are both trying to find our way in this new normal, and some days, it’s harder than others.

I’ve been busy comforting Mom. I’m not like Ruby, who, if she had had her way, would have been in Mom’s lap pretty much all day long. And she slept curled up in Mom’s arms all night long. Mom always called Ruby her “velcro kitten.” I’m not a lap cat. I do sit in Mom’s lap for a few minutes here and there, and I’m working on staying longer, but it’s not in my nature. I know Mom misses cuddling with Ruby. I also know that she understands that I show my affection in different ways. She doesn’t want me to be someone I’m not. She knows that just because I don’t like to cuddle doesn’t mean I don’t love her.

The hardest part has been when Mom cries. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, or how fast asleep I am, when I hear her crying, I come running. I rub against her, or sit down next to her, and I do my best to show her how much I love her. And it’s always such a good feeling when she finally stops crying, and gives me a kiss. I may not like hugs, but I do love it when Mom kisses me.

I’m getting used to being an only cat again. Those of you who have followed us for a while may remember that I was an only cat for almost a year after Amber died and before Ruby joined our family. I was still a kitten then, and I never really got to know Amber. We were only together for six weeks before she got so sick. Mom and I were still getting used to each other then, and it was a hard time for both of us. I wasn’t mature enough to really understand why Mom was so sad. I was just a silly kitten who wanted to play all the time, and I couldn’t understand why Mom didn’t have the energy to keep up with me. As a result, I got myself in trouble quite a bit.

Now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I’m good with being on my own. I get Mom all to myself, which is so different, but also kind of nice. I’m trying to do a good job being there for Mom during this hard time, and I’m also doing my best to make her smile.

I just hope that in time, Mom will stop being so sad. After all, Ruby isn’t really gone. Her spirit is still very much with us. I feel her around us all the time, but I don’t think Mom can feel her just yet, because her grief is still so raw.

I know in time, Mom won’t hurt quite so much, and we’ll both get used to it being just the two of us. And through it all, I’ll be here, right by her side, holding the space for her.

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